Been some time

It's been some time since I last posted. I've had a very crap week. Felt suicidal a number of times. Called the Samaritans this morning and back to "normal". I had to get some shit out of my system and no amount of self talk, prayer, meditiation or distraction was going to sort it.

The thing is, now I don't drink and food doesn't do the job as well as it used to, I've got nothing to self medicate with and I'm left with the crap. I never knew what to do with it then and I still don't, but I am learning to talk about it. I've got a couple of assessments with therapists to go to over the next two weeks so I hope I'll find someone I can work with.

Tell you one thing, I'm gonna become a regular Samaritan caller. I'm not allowing myself to go through this again without getting help.

Tie up loose ends

My illness wasn't the peanut butter, it was a virus / germ, whatever. A number of people had been off with the same thing.

I didn't write about the Julian Clary gig. It was a bit low on production values, but hilariously funny. He was talking about his life, following on from the publication of his autobiography. He was vulnerable, honest, and just an all round delightful guy. I regret that I didn't recognise how good he was until I saw Gervais. Oh and the audience for Clary was quite old.

I'm off. Goodnight.

Shit and a virus

The evening was going badly. Ducked out of a commitment for reasons too messed up to dwell on. I turned to a chat room and by the time I'd finished, I was feeling so much happier. I'm learning how good it is to talk.

Now I'm just chilling out, listening to Bob Dylan, feeling happy or content, never too sure which it is. Mellow.

Odd, but being sick for a day seems to be the equivalent of a holiday. I seemed to have got a lot more out of my system besides shit and a virus.

Ricky Gervais

If you care, I'm feeling great today. Boring day at work though. Lots of whinging about the air con and air humidity.

To business. Ricky Gervais gig last night. Yes I laughed, but I came out not liking him and feeling that he'd been a bit cynical. He was trying too hard to be an edgy comic. He kept queuing jokes up as racist, when they weren't, saying stuff like, "I'd better be careful or I'll be the next Bernard Manning." He's got too much too lose to allow that too happen, so why lie? The audience knows he'd never over step the mark. When he came on, it looked to me he was reacting to non existent heckling. He couldn't even be arsed to leave a decent interval between coming off stage and returning for the "encore". He was laying into Dawn French, of all people, over a trivial gag she and Jennifer Saunders at this expense. French and Saunders passed their sell by date years ago, so why pick a feud? He had a big thing about obesity not being a disease but his example was 400lb people, people who eat 10 pies in a day. An extremely soft target in so many ways. He didn't have the balls to go for the sort of tubby types that go to his gigs. I guess seeing Julian Clary the week before spoilt me. Clary was so funny I was aching from laughter. He was also genuine, honest and heartfelt in stark contrast to "gags by numbers" Gervais.

Bob and the Revenge of the Peanut Butter

Went to a Bob Dylan concert last night. It was fantastic. Crowd were a bit zombie like, but that's the British for you. I went on my own but it turned out that my friend Val is a fan. I clearly don't know her that well.

When I got home from work yesterday, I couldn't be bothered to cook for myself. I started out by having a snack of peanut butter on rye which turned into a meal of peanut butter on rye. I gobbled it down fairly quickly and felt so ill I had to go and lie down. My stomach soon settled and I was OK until the last half hour of the concert when I started to feel really tired. I just put it down to being a lightweight. This morning, after having my breakfast I had awful diarrhoea and felt dreadful: headache, aching neck and tired. I lay down for 20 mins and with no improvement, I called in sick. I slept for another 4 hours and now feel fairly reasonable which is good as I'm off out with Val to see Ricky Gervais tonight. The peanut butter is in the bin. I scooped it out of the jar because I know I'll fish it out after convincing myself it wasn't the real culprit. Funny thing is, I used to hate peanut butter but it turned up in a food plan I've just started so I thought I'd give it a go. I'm all grown up now and no longer think it resembles poo. When I first tried it I wasn't that impressed and I worried about the high calorie count. I even threw it away but fished it out of the bin a day later. I've read that people who are intolerant of certain foods sometimes end up craving it which may be what has happened in my case. I've been eating low fat food for so long, I think the peanut butter is way to rich for my delicate constitution.

Reading Penny Parks' book on child abuse has been a wonderful experience. Deeply painful at first but ultimately really liberating. I decided I was going to get professional help. Penny Parks has developed a technique called PICT and on her website I found a couple of therapists working in the Midlands. I got a response from one person who is operating a waiting list and with the other, she actually phoned me at home tonight and we had a chat about how things work and the cost. I liked her. I've got a form to fill in and if I'm suitable it will mean travelling to Leicester, hopefully on a Sunday. It'll be a long journey on the train, so I guess I'll make it through a few books, but I'm already excited about it. She had sent me an email which I didn't pick up as I had just got back in when she called and what I really want to do is reply and talk and talk and talk.

Shadows

It's only April yet the ground is hard and dusty under foot. This picture was taken near the place I work. I like the shadows of the trees across the ground.

I did an eight mile walk in Herefordshire yesterday. Bluebells, dog violet, wood anemone, primrose, the last of the daffodils. At times it was just breath taking.

Friday 13th Unlucky? Not For Me!

I didn't realise it was Friday the 13th today and so far, things have been going great.

I got an email advertising tickets for a Bob Dylan concert next week and I thought, "Why not? He's a legend. I'll book it." And so I did. For the rest of the day, I felt pretty chilled which was in part down to it being a Friday, in part because I had my yoga class last night and best of all, the phone system went down at work. Thank you God. There's more.

I was given a design job to do late last week and design is not my thing and nor is Photoshop which I used to bugger around with someones PDF. Anyhow, the job came back from the printers this afternoon and it looked ok. I was pleased.

Then I had a bit of a schadenfreude moment when it turned out that the cleaners had quit because they were sick of the exacting standards laid down by my boss. From what I understand, they accused him of bullying. Knowing him, he'll be tying himself up in knots of guilt over it. It's clearly not his fault, but it's nice to know he's finding it embarassing because it's sweet revenge for his arsey behaviour towards me yesterday.

And there's more, I managed to talk Virgin Media who provide my broadband, telephone and cable TV into upgrading me for free. Managed to talk them into it makes it sound like I've the gift of the gab when in fact I just threatened to take my business elsewhere after seeing that they were offering new customers a better deal than me, and in light of the fact they're probably losing business left right and centre after Sky took their ball home, what else would they do?

And lastly, I had some nice "interactions" with people at work, otherwise known as chats. Makes a change. I'm becoming more human every day.

Malvern Hills

I try to get out to the Malverns as often as I can and head for the village of Colwall which has a train station. As usual on a Bank Holiday, the train timetable had been altered but the information wasn't showing on any website I checked with. It wasn't until I bought my train ticket that I was told I would need to change at Malvern and there would be a wait of over an hour. So I decided to reach the hills from the town itself. That was a mistake. The Malverns are good but they're a tourist trap. Luckily people get to the town, struggle up to St Anne's Well and then give up, that's why I like Colwall so much. It's much more peaceful.

Apart from working on my tan, I didn't really enjoy it that much. The best bit was the tea room at Great Malvern train station which served the best cup of coffee I've had in years.

Weston-Super-Mare

Weston-Super-Mare itself, gosh, what a time warp. I was about 8 or 9 when I went there with my parents. My brother and I got stuck in the quick sand. I got stuck for a while trying to help him. I remember appealing for help from a passer by but the silver haired woman just looked on bemused. My brother brings up the incident every now and then to tease me. He accuses me of leaving him to die!

The town now is a real mixed bag. It's great as a cheap base to explore Somerset. Donkey rides on the beach, the pier, cheap cafes etc are quite charming at first. The sight of families fleeing from the B&Bs on Sunday morning, parading along the promendade looking lost was plain amusing. Nothing was open yet and the sea was too cold for swimming and the sun wasn't really warm enough for lying out in. Then I spotted something that just summed up a kind of Britishness I thought was lost in the mists of time. Just as you would step on the fag end infested beach, a middle aged couple had set themselves up on their green folding camping chairs, coats on, papers in hand, all their stuff for the day around them, the stiff onshore breeze blowing into their faces. How anyone can stay a week in Weston is beyond me.

There has been some attempt at regeneration, most eye catching was a strange bit of sculpture in the form of an upside down icicle with spikey bits growing out of the top. About 7ft up from the base was a strip around its circumference flashing up public announcements. It looked like a left over Christmas decoration. It probably got commissioned for the millenium.

Having a Great Easter

Having a great Easter so far. Went down to Weston-Super-Mare, visiting Wells and Cheddar Gorge for the day, then after a night in a fairly nice B&B, I spent the day in Bath which was fantastic.

The weather has been brilliant.

Got chatting with a young woman from Tamil Nadu on the train down to Bristol. She was interested in the book I was reading and I was a bit too honest about why I was reading it. Didn't seem able to lie and she was quite persistent in the upfront way Indians have. I was reading Penny Parks' booking about child sex abuse, which is excellent by the way.

Insane behaviour

I've been a bit mental this afternoon. I have a resentment towards my neighbours that comes and goes. It came back big time when I was doing some gardening. Rocks and rubble have appeared in the back garden which I was convinced weren't there before, so I chucked a couple back over the fence. Christ almighty, how childish and considering I haven't ventured out into the garden since the early autumn... And then my neighbour appeared and I muttered, not very under my breath, "Oh God it's the bitch queen in the garden." Hopefully she didn't hear me, but she probably did. She didn't stay very long to read her book. I eventually felt very remorseful and I've hatched a plan to "rescue" the rocks in the dead of night using a garden rake to hoike them back over the fence. I'm groaning inside at the insanity of all this.

Brain Strain

I'm suffering from brain strain. I've been sorting out a short break over Easter, just down to Somerset. Doing something like this by public transport is a bitch. I've spent hours on the different permutations and now my head hurts and I don't know if I want to go any more!

Got up this morning and did some exercise, a bit of yoga and meditated. Felt full of energy but very restless at work. It's been another glorious day and I've just wanted to get out and enjoy it. Got a stupid project to complete and I just can't muster up the will. Someone kick me up my big fat arse.

Love and kisses to you.

What have I done?!

Joined an online diet club. God it's complicated.

Second day back at the open prison and I'm already looking forward to Easter. Made the mistake of arranging to see my boss. He and I, well, we're cordial. We don't meet regularly, thank the lord, but sometimes I find myself pitying him. I have a project to do and I could have asked another manager the question, but I chose the boss and I regretted it. Never again. He's a patronising arse.

Walked seven miles in the Staffordshire countryside on Sunday. Missed my train home but there was a lovely memorial garden nearby so I crashed out there and worked on my tan for an hour as I waited for the next train. And yes, I did get some colour, as they say.