Independent
Curious
Stupid sense of humour
Strong
Persevere
Love outsiders
Down with the haters
Music
Dance
Art
Colour
Sun
Walking
Beautiful hair. Love the colour and love the curls.
Love my eyes and my mouth and my smooth skin.
Love my long fingers.
Love wearing earrings
Love mountains and snow
Love Switzerland
Loathe conforming for the fear of non conformity and the punishments it brings - see fashion and cliques at work and at school
Yes to quiet rebellion
Yes to protest
Yes to freedom at all costs
Weather: fog, snow, hail, rain, fog
Pears
Lavender, Frankincense, Vetiver, Patchouli
Thursday 3 April 2008
Monkey wants out
Finally got a session with a therapist at a local agency specialising in helping people to stop problem drinking. I first got in touch with them at Christmas.
I was feeling a bit apprehensive about it all and cut it fine getting there, detouring to do some shopping. The woman I'm seeing is a black African and it felt like arriving somewhere truthful. As I review the session I'm realising how much I've been affected by race and how untruthful and untrustworthy I view white people to be.
I resent my Dad for leaving me and my mum alone to cope in this hostile, fucked up little place. Ended up caged. That's how I felt and sometimes feel; like a zoo animal.
The therapist said a lot of things that made real sense to me. Anger, that's what I'm feeling. Anger about my childhood and all the burden's I had to carry. She says its like peeling back the layers of an onion and it takes time.
She got me to list some of the problem areas from the past and present that I want to work on and prioritise them. Self loathing is the first one and she talked about how I had taken on board negative messages about them and believed them to be true, but are they? I'm unique and special, she says. And so she got me to list the qualities I like about myself and she told me to review them every day. I can see how 12 step left me feeling that some of the things I really appreciate about myself where bad. "I'm too independent" I'd say to myself. "I need more friends, it's really bad you don't have lots of friends." So I go out trying to make friends but perversely it can turn into a punishment cos I'm setting myself these terrible difficult tasks to achieve.
I'm curious and interested in things and then I say to myself, "You never stick with anything." But I love people who are in to everything, so why can't that be me too?
And some of that self help crap doesn't help at all. Dr Wayne Dyer's thought for today is "feel superior to no one" which is laudable but it would have had me criticising me for feeling in anyway superior and carrying this dreadful tension around with me all the time. Give up TV and give up self help.
I was feeling a bit apprehensive about it all and cut it fine getting there, detouring to do some shopping. The woman I'm seeing is a black African and it felt like arriving somewhere truthful. As I review the session I'm realising how much I've been affected by race and how untruthful and untrustworthy I view white people to be.
I resent my Dad for leaving me and my mum alone to cope in this hostile, fucked up little place. Ended up caged. That's how I felt and sometimes feel; like a zoo animal.
The therapist said a lot of things that made real sense to me. Anger, that's what I'm feeling. Anger about my childhood and all the burden's I had to carry. She says its like peeling back the layers of an onion and it takes time.
She got me to list some of the problem areas from the past and present that I want to work on and prioritise them. Self loathing is the first one and she talked about how I had taken on board negative messages about them and believed them to be true, but are they? I'm unique and special, she says. And so she got me to list the qualities I like about myself and she told me to review them every day. I can see how 12 step left me feeling that some of the things I really appreciate about myself where bad. "I'm too independent" I'd say to myself. "I need more friends, it's really bad you don't have lots of friends." So I go out trying to make friends but perversely it can turn into a punishment cos I'm setting myself these terrible difficult tasks to achieve.
I'm curious and interested in things and then I say to myself, "You never stick with anything." But I love people who are in to everything, so why can't that be me too?
And some of that self help crap doesn't help at all. Dr Wayne Dyer's thought for today is "feel superior to no one" which is laudable but it would have had me criticising me for feeling in anyway superior and carrying this dreadful tension around with me all the time. Give up TV and give up self help.
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