Independent
Curious
Stupid sense of humour
Strong
Persevere
Love outsiders
Down with the haters
Music
Dance
Art
Colour
Sun
Walking
Beautiful hair. Love the colour and love the curls.
Love my eyes and my mouth and my smooth skin.
Love my long fingers.
Love wearing earrings
Love mountains and snow
Love Switzerland
Loathe conforming for the fear of non conformity and the punishments it brings - see fashion and cliques at work and at school
Yes to quiet rebellion
Yes to protest
Yes to freedom at all costs
Weather: fog, snow, hail, rain, fog
Pears
Lavender, Frankincense, Vetiver, Patchouli
Thursday, 3 April 2008
Monkey wants out
Finally got a session with a therapist at a local agency specialising in helping people to stop problem drinking. I first got in touch with them at Christmas.
I was feeling a bit apprehensive about it all and cut it fine getting there, detouring to do some shopping. The woman I'm seeing is a black African and it felt like arriving somewhere truthful. As I review the session I'm realising how much I've been affected by race and how untruthful and untrustworthy I view white people to be.
I resent my Dad for leaving me and my mum alone to cope in this hostile, fucked up little place. Ended up caged. That's how I felt and sometimes feel; like a zoo animal.
The therapist said a lot of things that made real sense to me. Anger, that's what I'm feeling. Anger about my childhood and all the burden's I had to carry. She says its like peeling back the layers of an onion and it takes time.
She got me to list some of the problem areas from the past and present that I want to work on and prioritise them. Self loathing is the first one and she talked about how I had taken on board negative messages about them and believed them to be true, but are they? I'm unique and special, she says. And so she got me to list the qualities I like about myself and she told me to review them every day. I can see how 12 step left me feeling that some of the things I really appreciate about myself where bad. "I'm too independent" I'd say to myself. "I need more friends, it's really bad you don't have lots of friends." So I go out trying to make friends but perversely it can turn into a punishment cos I'm setting myself these terrible difficult tasks to achieve.
I'm curious and interested in things and then I say to myself, "You never stick with anything." But I love people who are in to everything, so why can't that be me too?
And some of that self help crap doesn't help at all. Dr Wayne Dyer's thought for today is "feel superior to no one" which is laudable but it would have had me criticising me for feeling in anyway superior and carrying this dreadful tension around with me all the time. Give up TV and give up self help.
I was feeling a bit apprehensive about it all and cut it fine getting there, detouring to do some shopping. The woman I'm seeing is a black African and it felt like arriving somewhere truthful. As I review the session I'm realising how much I've been affected by race and how untruthful and untrustworthy I view white people to be.
I resent my Dad for leaving me and my mum alone to cope in this hostile, fucked up little place. Ended up caged. That's how I felt and sometimes feel; like a zoo animal.
The therapist said a lot of things that made real sense to me. Anger, that's what I'm feeling. Anger about my childhood and all the burden's I had to carry. She says its like peeling back the layers of an onion and it takes time.
She got me to list some of the problem areas from the past and present that I want to work on and prioritise them. Self loathing is the first one and she talked about how I had taken on board negative messages about them and believed them to be true, but are they? I'm unique and special, she says. And so she got me to list the qualities I like about myself and she told me to review them every day. I can see how 12 step left me feeling that some of the things I really appreciate about myself where bad. "I'm too independent" I'd say to myself. "I need more friends, it's really bad you don't have lots of friends." So I go out trying to make friends but perversely it can turn into a punishment cos I'm setting myself these terrible difficult tasks to achieve.
I'm curious and interested in things and then I say to myself, "You never stick with anything." But I love people who are in to everything, so why can't that be me too?
And some of that self help crap doesn't help at all. Dr Wayne Dyer's thought for today is "feel superior to no one" which is laudable but it would have had me criticising me for feeling in anyway superior and carrying this dreadful tension around with me all the time. Give up TV and give up self help.
Tuesday, 18 March 2008
Its been an odd day today. A lot of chat. We have a new girl on the team and she could talk the hind legs off a donkey if you let her. Nice enough soul. She's not a hater.
I haven't written anything for a while cos I've been too drunk to do anything but exist. Stopped on Sunday. Feeling a lot better. A lot of energy. I always feel at a bit of a loss when I'm at home.
I haven't written anything for a while cos I've been too drunk to do anything but exist. Stopped on Sunday. Feeling a lot better. A lot of energy. I always feel at a bit of a loss when I'm at home.
Sunday, 24 February 2008
Drunk again
Been as pissed as a newt since Saturday 23rd. Two bottles of wine a night, up to four on two days when I wasn't at work. Gradually began cutting down from Thursday.
The course was a challenge. I was given some feedback and left thinking what a fat ugly pig I was. And the mind chat became unbelievably awful when I was drinking. But in that sense it's been a blessing because I can really hear what I think of myself. It used to be "Oh God" and a sense of deflation and that was it.
By the grace of God, I got a phone call on Friday from a local alcohol support organisation. I had got in touch with them just before Christmas and never heard back, but I was OK, right? Got a first appointment next week.
I've been doing some mirror work and that's helping.
I realised that I'm really angry with my old councillor and it released a lot of energy. I need to pin some notes up around the house to remind me that if I get into a funk, who, or what, am I angry at?
I'm seeing a guy at this new place and its free, thank God. Bit nervy about him being a bloke and I promise myself that if he annoys me, I'll tell him. No more being nice and reasonable monkey. It's about being real monkey.
The course was a challenge. I was given some feedback and left thinking what a fat ugly pig I was. And the mind chat became unbelievably awful when I was drinking. But in that sense it's been a blessing because I can really hear what I think of myself. It used to be "Oh God" and a sense of deflation and that was it.
By the grace of God, I got a phone call on Friday from a local alcohol support organisation. I had got in touch with them just before Christmas and never heard back, but I was OK, right? Got a first appointment next week.
I've been doing some mirror work and that's helping.
I realised that I'm really angry with my old councillor and it released a lot of energy. I need to pin some notes up around the house to remind me that if I get into a funk, who, or what, am I angry at?
I'm seeing a guy at this new place and its free, thank God. Bit nervy about him being a bloke and I promise myself that if he annoys me, I'll tell him. No more being nice and reasonable monkey. It's about being real monkey.
Thursday, 14 February 2008
Wednesday, 13 February 2008
Holy Crap
Went on a course at the weekend called More to Life. Hmm. Interesting, overwhelming, overwhelming.
Hmm.
Work stinks.
Hmm.
Work stinks.
Wednesday, 6 February 2008
Gutted
Been prepping for a job interview. Didn't get it. Gutted.
I didn't go into it with high hopes but the interview seemed to go well and I liked them and the job. I also realised how demoralising I feel working where I am at the moment. Fucking horrible. Feel like I'm being treated like a nobody and seeing talentless Liz call all the shots. Fucking idiot bitch.
I didn't go into it with high hopes but the interview seemed to go well and I liked them and the job. I also realised how demoralising I feel working where I am at the moment. Fucking horrible. Feel like I'm being treated like a nobody and seeing talentless Liz call all the shots. Fucking idiot bitch.
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