Drunk again

Been as pissed as a newt since Saturday 23rd. Two bottles of wine a night, up to four on two days when I wasn't at work. Gradually began cutting down from Thursday.

The course was a challenge. I was given some feedback and left thinking what a fat ugly pig I was. And the mind chat became unbelievably awful when I was drinking. But in that sense it's been a blessing because I can really hear what I think of myself. It used to be "Oh God" and a sense of deflation and that was it.

By the grace of God, I got a phone call on Friday from a local alcohol support organisation. I had got in touch with them just before Christmas and never heard back, but I was OK, right? Got a first appointment next week.

I've been doing some mirror work and that's helping.

I realised that I'm really angry with my old councillor and it released a lot of energy. I need to pin some notes up around the house to remind me that if I get into a funk, who, or what, am I angry at?

I'm seeing a guy at this new place and its free, thank God. Bit nervy about him being a bloke and I promise myself that if he annoys me, I'll tell him. No more being nice and reasonable monkey. It's about being real monkey.

So pissed off its unbloody believable. Fed up with the boss. Ate lots of donuts. Pissed off that people are leaving left right and centre and I'm still fucking here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Bastards. Rats leaving a sinking ship.

Holy Crap

Went on a course at the weekend called More to Life. Hmm. Interesting, overwhelming, overwhelming.

Hmm.

Work stinks.

Gutted

Been prepping for a job interview. Didn't get it. Gutted.

I didn't go into it with high hopes but the interview seemed to go well and I liked them and the job. I also realised how demoralising I feel working where I am at the moment. Fucking horrible. Feel like I'm being treated like a nobody and seeing talentless Liz call all the shots. Fucking idiot bitch.

Got an interview coming up. I'm already making my mind up that I'm not a favourite and therefore I'm not going to get it. Got to take a portfolio of my work. Spent the whole of yesterday evening obsessing about what I hate about my current job and I know I just need to let it go and just trust that the universe will deliver. If I don't get the job, I'll be gutted, no two ways about it. I need to change the way I look at it. If I focus my intention gently on getting this job then I will get it and stop saying that I can't and start saying that I can.

Fucking pissed off today. Trying to let go. Felt forced to do something in order to look "nice". Pile of shit.

Random stuff

I applied for a new job. Hope at least that I get invited for an interview. Stayed up late filling in the application and now I'm really tired.

Work was fun today. Some of the managers are so thick. They can't deal with reality or ask for what they want, or just communicate.

Had a chat with my favourite photographer. We were at one of those really dull work events where you're trying so hard to look as if you give a toss.

Soon, I will head for bed ridiculously early.

And I forgot, applied for a free ticket to the filming of a really awful talent contest, but its near to where I live and I've got the day off anyway so it'll give me something to do.

Eating what I want

I've been eating what I want today. I had goats cheese, wholewheat toast and medjool dates for breakfast, and just been stuffing my face with celery and carrots for lunch.

Bought 7 bars of Green & Blacks milk chocolate. Unwrapped all the bars and broke them up into single or double chunks and put them in a glass jar. It doesn't look half as nice without the wrapper. Brown is a crap colour, if you pardon the allusion. But it is. It's so unappealing. I had a little bit and I'm not tempted to have any more. I feel as if I've had enough sweet stuff today. But could be too early to tell.

Got a job application to fill in... Yuk.