tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21895773117043208492011-10-13T18:00:54.466ZA blog "about" recovery from addiction, being my own guru and dealing withfear which is usually a sign that I'm doing something right.Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.comBlogger891100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-17029584974582895812008-05-26T13:33:00.003Z2008-05-26T13:38:24.641Z

Things are still going really well for me. Lost just over 1 stone in weight, bought a digital SLR, realised that I can sing, been out a fair bit, calming down over a fair few things, been playing the piano and trying not to spend too much money. Going out with a friend tonight to a gig in town. Really looking forward to it.Indiana Jones movie - not as bad as some critics have been saying. I

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-20608584900653162242008-05-26T13:30:00.002Z2008-05-26T13:32:28.430Z

I was thinking of ending this blog, just hitting delete and let that be the end of it. It would be a waste, I realise, not to the world, but for me. The blog is just an easy way to keep track of stuff. I tried to keep a journal but would always be mislaying it and starting again in another note book. At least I can't lose this.

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-6543275025743944442008-05-05T06:31:00.003Z2008-05-05T06:38:11.139Z

Its been an age since my last blog.Things have been going really well over the past three weeks. Having fortnightly counselling and its been brilliant. I've come to the not very startling conclusion that there's nothing wrong with me, nothing at all.Been on a healthy eating plan and lost 7lbs over the last two weeks. Been exercising regularly and feeling really well for it. I have no intention or

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-64784497980591054082008-04-03T19:52:00.003Z2008-04-03T19:59:09.866Z

IndependentCuriousStupid sense of humourStrongPersevereLove outsidersDown with the hatersMusicDanceArtColourSunWalkingBeautiful hair. Love the colour and love the curls.Love my eyes and my mouth and my smooth skin.Love my long fingers.Love wearing earringsLove mountains and snowLove SwitzerlandLoathe conforming for the fear of non conformity and the punishments it brings - see fashion and cliques

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-71945978291587877792008-04-03T19:28:00.003Z2008-04-03T19:51:09.425Z

Finally got a session with a therapist at a local agency specialising in helping people to stop problem drinking. I first got in touch with them at Christmas.I was feeling a bit apprehensive about it all and cut it fine getting there, detouring to do some shopping. The woman I'm seeing is a black African and it felt like arriving somewhere truthful. As I review the session I'm realising how much

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-16744629420094897702008-03-18T19:45:00.002Z2008-03-18T19:48:49.337Z

Its been an odd day today. A lot of chat. We have a new girl on the team and she could talk the hind legs off a donkey if you let her. Nice enough soul. She's not a hater.I haven't written anything for a while cos I've been too drunk to do anything but exist. Stopped on Sunday. Feeling a lot better. A lot of energy. I always feel at a bit of a loss when I'm at home.

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-11295872095081269402008-02-24T19:05:00.004Z2008-02-24T19:12:12.099Z

Been as pissed as a newt since Saturday 23rd. Two bottles of wine a night, up to four on two days when I wasn't at work. Gradually began cutting down from Thursday.The course was a challenge. I was given some feedback and left thinking what a fat ugly pig I was. And the mind chat became unbelievably awful when I was drinking. But in that sense it's been a blessing because I can really hear what I

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-20420344994406861742008-02-14T18:52:00.002Z2008-02-14T18:56:08.994Z

So pissed off its unbloody believable. Fed up with the boss. Ate lots of donuts. Pissed off that people are leaving left right and centre and I'm still fucking here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Bastards. Rats leaving a sinking ship.

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-30091593128875336602008-02-13T17:24:00.001Z2008-02-13T17:25:27.943Z

Went on a course at the weekend called More to Life. Hmm. Interesting, overwhelming, overwhelming.Hmm.Work stinks.

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-15915574362350566402008-02-06T16:31:00.000Z2008-02-06T16:34:33.092Z

Been prepping for a job interview. Didn't get it. Gutted.I didn't go into it with high hopes but the interview seemed to go well and I liked them and the job. I also realised how demoralising I feel working where I am at the moment. Fucking horrible. Feel like I'm being treated like a nobody and seeing talentless Liz call all the shots. Fucking idiot bitch.

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-810354780796391152008-01-30T16:58:00.000Z2008-01-30T17:06:12.098Z

Got an interview coming up. I'm already making my mind up that I'm not a favourite and therefore I'm not going to get it. Got to take a portfolio of my work. Spent the whole of yesterday evening obsessing about what I hate about my current job and I know I just need to let it go and just trust that the universe will deliver. If I don't get the job, I'll be gutted, no two ways about it. I need to

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-10971234023271502862008-01-28T18:24:00.000Z2008-01-28T18:39:55.939Z

I applied for a new job. Hope at least that I get invited for an interview. Stayed up late filling in the application and now I'm really tired.Work was fun today. Some of the managers are so thick. They can't deal with reality or ask for what they want, or just communicate.Had a chat with my favourite photographer. We were at one of those really dull work events where you're trying so hard to

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-63681457570614794782008-01-27T13:20:00.000Z2008-01-27T13:29:52.839Z

I've been eating what I want today. I had goats cheese, wholewheat toast and medjool dates for breakfast, and just been stuffing my face with celery and carrots for lunch.Bought 7 bars of Green & Blacks milk chocolate. Unwrapped all the bars and broke them up into single or double chunks and put them in a glass jar. It doesn't look half as nice without the wrapper. Brown is a crap colour, if you

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-69279751448865678192008-01-27T08:45:00.000Z2008-01-27T09:02:29.005Z

Got up at 4.30am yesterday to get down to London for a course about how to eat. This may sound a bit nuts but for those people who binge eat, go on constant diets or have other symptoms of a crazy relationship with food, then you may understand the idea. We all know what we "should" be eating, what is "good" for us or "bad" for us, but many of us don't know why we eat the way we do and how to eat

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-24551999502579476812008-01-27T08:38:00.000Z2008-01-27T08:43:52.905Z

Fridge freezer broke down. Had it for a while so I got good use out of it and it gives me an opportunity to try a different arrangement in the kitchen.It's a real sign of my growth in recovery that I can turn this into an opportunity and not a crisis that would have involved a lot of self talk along the lines of:"You should have brought a decent make.""Bad things are always happening.""Nothing

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-64863344108667816602008-01-27T08:13:00.000Z2008-01-27T08:38:11.811Z

I was invited to an "introductory" evening by the Kairos Foundation who run a course called "More to Life". I had dashed out of the house with a scrap of paper with directions I'd jotted down over the phone from a friend. When I got off the train at my destination, I somehow couldn't drag up the courage to ask the way from the guy at the ticket office. Instead, I followed my friend's directions

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-87726157022590498072008-01-27T08:11:00.000Z2008-01-27T08:13:47.886Z

It couldn't have been duller at work. I'm getting sick and tired of sitting opposite smug Liz. She's as boring as fuck. She only talks when she wants to.

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-19125095371326239382008-01-19T17:08:00.001Z2008-01-19T17:11:50.888Z

Click here to view it at Gawker.com. It probably wouldn't be so toe curlingly bad if they didn't have that awful Mission Impossible theme on a loop in the background, plus he just rambles and repeats himself a lot. A PR disaster.

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-84416957176169147162008-01-19T16:14:00.000Z2008-01-19T16:51:49.348Z

Great movie.

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-8617680707621710962008-01-18T19:12:00.000Z2008-01-18T19:24:33.776Z

My food is so out of control. I'm not unhappy. I think I'm sabotaging myself, so it's fear I guess of being able to cope without the protection of all the fat. Learn to love myself. God that sounds twee. Great picture. Click on it and it will take you to a shop where you can buy a print.

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-81449526456938609952008-01-16T18:26:00.001Z2008-01-16T18:43:21.780Z

British GasBloke came round to give me a quote on replacing the boiler. What a salesman. I'm for honest and open communication, but I didn't get that from him. He told me that to replace the boiler and water tank would cost £5k. To get a whole new system with combi boiler, new radiators and pipework throughout would cost £5k. Hogwash, to put it politely. I didn't want to hurt his feelings or

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-76661766303309280022008-01-16T18:25:00.001Z2008-01-16T18:25:45.047Z

I am in support of everything in my life.Everything you are against can be restated in a way that puts you in support of something. Instead of being at war, be at peace; instead of being against poverty, be for prosperity.

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-26540494654715044672008-01-15T16:00:00.000Z2008-01-15T16:15:01.422Z

Went out last night with a friend to a quiz night. We came last. The last train home didn't turn up until just before midnight. I'm a bit knackered. Wisely took the day off but couldn't sleep in, I'm too used to getting up early.Sherry Baby - depressing movie. Saw too much of Maggie Gyllenhaal's tits by about half way through. It started to be like: Oh no. You're not taking your top off again.

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-65172949878691790902008-01-13T12:07:00.001Z2008-01-13T12:10:26.992Z

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-74144087550081521412008-01-13T09:39:00.000Z2008-01-13T12:07:23.360Z

Went to Bank restaurant last night with a mate of mine and had a fantastic time. The food was gorgeous. We took advantage of a special offer that added a free glass of wine if you were eating from the fixed price menu. They let me swap the wine for a non alcohol cocktail. I had a lemon sour, and it was fabulous.We were both stuffed after the main course but valiantly ploughed on to sample

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-5543122841473507412008-01-12T15:51:00.001Z2008-01-12T16:43:26.575Z

Decided to celebrate my birthday with a meal. Normally I would have plonked for something at a restaurant that I could be comfy in, that is, comfy shoes, trousers or jeans - you get the picture. That all changed when I came across a special offer for a highly rated restaurant in town and decided to go for it. But what to wear because if I turned up in my usual style, I would stick out like a sore

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-49327155296882254662008-01-12T14:33:00.000Z2008-01-12T15:25:54.945Z

Going out to a posh restaurant this evening with a friend of mine. Normally I favour comfort over fashion. Don't believe in pain, unless it's fun. But with my life getting better and me liking myself a bit more, I went shopping. I'll cover that in another post. Today, I went to get my very curly hair, cut and blow dried straight. The young hairdresser was a sweet girl but inexperienced. It was

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-59871823350500254122008-01-10T21:02:00.000Z2008-01-10T21:10:10.720Z

I took a rug to the cinema. That's how sad I am. Well, its more about grabbing a bargain and deciding it was worth working at not caring. It wasn't a little rug, it was a fair sized, rolled up rug. Bargain, and the only one left. Dilemma was, do I take it straight home or do I go to see Enchanted now rather than leave it and risk it not being in the cinema at the weekend. The shop was just across

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-58321422921806499572008-01-08T20:36:00.000Z2008-01-08T20:44:20.558Z

I like and admire Wayne Dyer very much. He's at that stage in his life where he's very spiritual to the point of not quite having feet on the ground. One of his daily quotes was banging on about the peace we'd achieved if we observed nature and learnt from the innocence of animals. What, you mean, learn to gang up and hunt each other down like a pack of chimps? Or eat our mate once the sex is

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-47680543444929068442008-01-08T19:52:00.000Z2008-01-08T20:33:41.568Z

I want to visit a really rough nightclub so I can observe the wildlife.A friend of mine was working behind the bar of a club on the fringes of the city centre and was horrified to see people having sex on the dancefloor. I found the story hilarious because I can't begin to understand the world you have to live in where that is cool. It's not just a different world, it's a different planet.

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-38201887940663188552008-01-08T19:04:00.000Z2008-01-08T19:41:57.279Z

Last night, I was still seething about work so I did a tapping session with the aid of an online video tutorial. The tutorial was about anger and it brought up a lot of stuff that I hadn't anticipated and tears were shed. I went to bed feeling exhausted. But today, I don't feel good, cos I'm knackered, but I feel capable and alive. When I feel stuck, confused, fearful etc its as if my

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-52959117551943089642008-01-07T17:00:00.001Z2008-01-07T17:20:46.645Z

I work with some daft buggers. There's an "us and them" divide at work based on which of two floors you work on. I've just come to the conclusion that the Floor One people are just a miserable bunch of insecure buggers.1) They're scared of management. Having worked for some bastards in my time, I know that our management team are a pretty fair bunch of people. So I don't get it.2) We get

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-46925860364102359802008-01-06T19:42:00.000Z2008-01-06T20:19:25.521Z

The short review: Will Smith is excellent and so's the dog but ultimately this film is depressing and suffers from a badly written second half. The film's success is solelydown to Smith's star power and the timing of its release following months of pretty dull movies. I for one was gagging for a cinematic spectacle.Based on a novel by Richard Matheson, I am Legend tells the story of Robert

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-56986075394697867792008-01-06T09:17:00.000Z2008-01-06T09:27:45.911Z

Although the last few months of 2007 were a mental and substance nightmare I still managed to have something of a life - just. One of the hightlights was going to see Rufus Wainwright: a truly brilliant concert. .Highlights for the first 5 months of this year:Beyond Chocolate CourseLouise L Hay Course possiblyRobert Plant and Alison KraussUte LemperBuena Vista Social ClubPush with Sylvie GuillemA

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-78898313837655018042008-01-06T08:55:00.000Z2008-01-06T20:38:06.036Z

I listed "second hand piano" on my wanted list when I started this blog and I'm pleased to say that I've got one and it didn't cost me a bean.The piano is 68 keys as opposed to the 88 keys of a full piano. I got someone round to tune it up. The piano tuner was a great guy, a jazz enthusiast. He got me to look at videos of the great jazz pianist Art Tatum on You Tube while he was tuning away and

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-36888145094417055622008-01-06T08:48:00.001Z2008-01-06T08:54:58.120Z

I haven't posted in ages. Its just been a difficult few months and I lost my confidence. Counselling was tough. I can't be bothered to go into it now but it resulted in a relapse that lasted from September to December. I quit the sessions and feel a hell of a lot better and I'm sober again. Bizarre. I go and do something to help myself and it ends up nearly destroying me. I stopped meditating,

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-50454951984553147792007-07-22T19:15:00.001Z2007-07-22T19:15:19.612Z

I went to see Mother Meera recently. Didn’t do a thing for me. I queued up on my knees, received the blessing and stared into her eyes, searching, searching for something and nothing.I had intended to leave a the beginning of the session because I found the whole thing so ridiculous. I’m not this guilable!? But I thought, well, I’ve come all this way so I may as well go through with it.But having

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-53870241647150810852007-07-22T19:07:00.001Z2007-07-22T19:07:28.993Z

I resent being fat and being the fat kid at school and I blame my mum and brother for the fact that I hate myself. I realise that I can’t do anything with my life until I let this idea go. I’m responsible for my life, how I think, my choices, where I am today. Blaming loved ones is futile. Blaming myself is futile. My attitude isn’t working for me so I need to change it.See more progress on: let

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-19148359939738510552007-07-22T18:57:00.001Z2007-07-22T18:57:45.055Z

I’ve been going to OA meetings on and off for just over a year and although things have improved, I haven’t embraced the programme fully. I’ve reached my rock bottom and it’s not around the food but it’s around my feelings. I’ve been listening to a lot of Wayne Dyer’s work and he talks about the root of addiction lying in having “justified” resentments when in fact there are no justified

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-81194227904112792742007-07-10T19:00:00.000Z2007-07-10T19:08:34.846Z

Long time no post.It's been a weird couple of weeks. First - yogurt bran muffins.I came across a receipe using Fiber One cereal and low fat yogurt so foolishly I decided to translate all the ingredients into UK measures and products in my usual cavalier fashion, adding lemon rind and lemon juice. The results appear to be OK. However either American muffins are enormous, or I've buggered up the

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-43899092100586060922007-06-24T07:56:00.000Z2007-06-24T09:01:06.994Z

Gregory Maqoma is a South African dancer who visited Birmingham to perform "Beautiful Me" part of a trilogy of work. The piece was complex and difficult at times. It was about identity, it was about telling people that colonialism had torn people from their culture and rendered it inferior. Artists like Maqoma, and pioneers before him are part of a process of rediscovery, reinvention and

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-49644320133304238022007-06-17T20:58:00.000Z2007-06-24T08:53:21.479Z

Went to see the Birmingham Royal Ballet triple bill yesterday made up of the Four Seasons, Nine Sinatra Songs (pictured) and the fabulous Pinapple Poll. Pinapple Poll. Plot summary from the BRB website: Poll is in love with the swashbuckling Captain Belaye of the HMS Hot Cross Bun, and so spurns the attentions of Jasper, potboy of the local inn. Alas Captain Belaye is secretly engaged to Blanche.

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-84861472969876614442007-06-15T18:12:00.000Z2007-06-15T18:23:52.330Z

What a week. Confronted a colleague which wasn't entirely pleasant. Fitted in an extra yoga session which was bliss. A fallen tree blocked the train line home on Wednesday so I had to resort to the bus and was over 1/2 hour late to see my counsellor. I allowed myself to feel guilty about this, something that wasn't in my control, and I had phoned her twice to keep her informed. So silly. Had a

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-38500930200366346472007-06-11T18:02:00.000Z2007-06-11T18:23:06.117Z

I'm a happy monkey. It was OK at work today. Everything was beautiful and sunny... and oh my god I just saw two coppers walk past the front of the house. I've lived here 6 years and that is a first. Coppers on the beat. Well blow me. Even more cause for jubilation. Now on the down side, I've committed myself to going to another yoga class on Tuesday. That'll be two this week. I've got a

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-21354019802225064372007-06-09T09:03:00.000Z2007-06-09T09:06:18.114Z

I upset the Govenor at work. I'm off his Christmas card list.

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-79569255930359211542007-06-06T19:19:00.000Z2007-06-06T19:34:27.149Z

Last night I dreamt of David Niven and trains. I have a lot of train dreams. Anxiety apparently. In this dream of trains, about catching the right one and waiting around the train station a lot, I eventually ended up at Birmingham NEC. The NEC had become the home of the United Nations and I found myself in a large lecture filled with men and women in suits with headphones on listening to the

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-28951498552063887382007-06-06T19:14:00.000Z2007-06-06T19:43:46.605Z

The mask is coming off at work. There are things I just don't have the stomach to put up with anymore. Some colleagues dealt with a minor issue behind my back and didn't have the manners to speak to me about it and I said I was pissed off about it. What they wanted was fine, but the way it was done, boy if they were on the receiving end of the behaviour, we wouldn't hear the end of it. They were

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-44935865080300919222007-06-05T19:49:00.000Z2007-06-05T20:04:41.237Z

I've not been well the past two days. Quit the sugar and binging on Sunday and I guess my body is taking time to adjust. Been getting pretty bad headaches, felt dizzy yesterday and a bit nauseous at times this afternoon. I'm going to pop a sleeping pill and get a decent night's sleep.Tried some goat's milk. Nice, a bit salty. Nothing to do with the above. But hey, it's not a sensible blog is it?

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-42776708665996844062007-06-05T19:42:00.000Z2007-06-05T19:48:43.948Z

There's this thing I sometimes like to do. If I'm walking down the street where I live and it's quiet and I spot a cat lurky by the alley way or near a car, I make my stride purposeful and head towards them, slightly speeding up as I get nearer. They look up trying to work out if I'm going to change course or not, their little pussy brains thinking, "Is Monkey or isn't Monkey? Is Monkey or isn't

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-11041379771605122632007-06-04T18:18:00.000Z2007-06-04T19:17:25.265Z

I've been watching a yoga DVD and I now feel all relaxed.

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-8533105281873209512007-06-03T14:05:00.000Z2007-06-03T16:53:04.375Z

The house I live in comes with a cat flap and I have no cat. I keep meaning to glue it shut as a neighbour's cat keeps popping in and although sometimes it's nice to have a cuddle and a chat I resent him using the place like a cat hotel. I just heard him at the 'door' and my brain has hit on a deterrent. I'm going to stick a shallow pan of water underneath the cat flap. Return of the evil genius.

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-13539555726178787592007-06-03T13:55:00.000Z2007-06-03T14:05:15.982Z

I'm posting a lot of late. This was all sparked off by a nice guy who left a message a few days ago. I had taken to this blogging lark a bit like duck to water but when I shared my enthusiasm with a 'friend' the response was so negative that unfortunately I let it get to me and gradually I tailed off posting. However, the universe has a way of righting these wrongs. So thanks for the support.

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-89094942141233082862007-06-03T13:26:00.000Z2007-06-03T13:49:30.978Z

I've been listening to a taped visulation on the topic of self love. My counsellor thinks I need help in this regard and she's right. The tape is narrated by a lovely guy called Easton Hamiliton. Don't bother looking on the net, he's not there. Yet. In the visualisation, he asks me to conjure up a secluded beach with lots of tropical folliage. It's been difficult. I've been struggling with the

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-24679515485482883602007-06-03T12:10:00.000Z2007-06-03T12:17:25.536Z

The last time I went to confession was just over a year ago. It was a one on one, no booths and screens. So I told the priest that when I was 13 I voiced a wish that my brother and dad were dead and the next day my dad did die. I felt shame at being so mean, but I didn't view his death as my fault or that my words had anything to do with it. Coincidence and nothing more, but the look of shock on

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-52535360288451686922007-06-03T11:30:00.000Z2007-06-03T12:08:52.090Z

I think I get what this blog is about: fear. A fact that is probably obvious to some casual observers. I used to be in the habit of meditating first thing in the morning. As soon as I woke I'd sit up in bed, meditate and pray, a kind of handover to the Universe which became God which is back to being the Universe. This practice has been weakening over the past 6 weeks or so. This morning I

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-20976986294998907682007-06-02T07:28:00.001Z2007-06-02T18:31:21.274Z

It's been a beautiful, sunny day. Mowed the thigh high lawn. I'm not right though.

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-71171133192073361612007-06-01T16:43:00.000Z2007-06-02T18:58:52.692Z

A memory that came back to me this morning was of being about 4 years old. My mum is having the house redecorated. We got out to the decorator's shop one evening and mum is looking through huge books of wallpaper samples. Very dull. My brother and I go outside to play. There's broken glass on the pavement. It's safety glass, so the pieces are chunky cubes. We decide to line a handful up under the

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-1670307147477034472007-06-01T11:52:00.000Z2007-06-01T12:00:59.911Z

I was talking with my yoga teacher about fantasies. She reckons it's the last social taboo, things like women fantasising about rape or sex with children. I sat there during this chat thinking about my fantasies. I shocked a priest when I told him I wanted by dad and brother dead. I was 13 at the time when I fantasised about that. In my last counselling session I was talking about my mother. She

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-82094158732621572862007-06-01T10:54:00.001Z2007-06-01T11:12:48.572Z

Pinch punch first day of the month and no returns.Brain was scrambled when I woke this morning. I hadn't slept well despite popping a Nytol. Full of should and shouldn't noise. I need to chill but find it so difficult. I got up and had three slices of bread with thick layer of butter on each. I haven't had butter in the house for at least 2 years. Knew it was a mistake to buy it. Of course I

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-65659517855987620062007-05-31T20:58:00.000Z2007-05-31T21:27:22.201Z

Work is doing my 'ead in!! Took a day off at the top of the bank holiday weekend last Friday, back at work on Wednesday this week but by 10am today I was so worn down by the miserable sods that I booked the day off tomorrow. I just couldn't face them again. It really felt that bad! LOL Don't get me wrong, they're not horrible people, I'm just really over sensitive at the moment and don't have

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-44610029331404174472007-05-31T20:50:00.000Z2007-05-31T20:55:34.273Z

I dreamt that I was infested with maggots and I was desperately trying to pull them out. At first the vision so disgusted me and frightened me that I had to transform them into something less scary. I've been able to do that in dreams for a while now. Anyway, I spend the dream pulling these things out. I become concerned that I'm not doing the job properly and some will be left behind and I'll be

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-83683466042408588442007-05-27T14:48:00.000Z2007-05-31T21:30:14.510Z

My brother worked on the set of the movie Layer Cake in which Daniel Craig stared. According to bro, DC was a bit "up himself". Wonder if bro wasn't just a tad bit jealous?On the topic of bro, he once served a bunch of vegan thesps animal product in what turned out to be a very popular dessert. Done out of ignorance not malice. They lived.

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-40032690438641085802007-05-27T13:46:00.000Z2007-05-27T13:55:35.908Z

I love popping in every so often to Honest Jon's Records and picking something at random from this gem of a store. It may be the remedy for a jaded musical palate. One of the best bits about ordering a CD or vinyl from this shop is that it tends to turn up in a re-used jiffy bag, handwritten address and sealed up with tons of their own branded tape. Strangely charming in this era of slick

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-6691466670328207702007-05-27T10:25:00.000Z2007-05-27T10:40:17.175Z

Nothing But the Truth is the name of a play I saw last night on the recommendation of a friend. Written by and staring South African, John Kani, the play is about two estranged brothers. The eldest is a librarian who lives in a township in South Africa. His younger brother fled the country starting a new life in London but dies in exile. His daughter brings his ashes 'home' for burial. Through

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-21842966329258733722007-05-16T19:00:00.000Z2007-05-16T19:02:48.526Z

I feel so fucking ill. I've been binge eating like a mad thing, cos I am mad. I feel frustrated and on the verge of tears but what would I be crying about. Can't but my finger on it.Going to see Mother Meera up in Scotland in July and then to see Eckhart Tolle in September.Hate myself.And on that high note I'm going to piss off.

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-57223493290729750862007-05-04T07:53:00.000Z2007-05-04T08:08:14.700Z

Well the good stuff that's been happening this week that I may expand on has been the return of the Course in Miracles group, meeting Sue, Marie getting me some contacts so I can sort out my central heating, went to see Angela Gheorghiu in concert which was fantastic and having the day off today.I've sent emails to a couple of other therapist contacts I found through friends this week. One has

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-33112143319203430242007-05-04T07:50:00.000Z2007-05-04T07:52:51.954Z

Been binge eating. Feel tired. I'm struggling with food, who to trust.. I had my first therapy session and she didn't turn up. Called me this morning and said there had been a misunderstanding. Bollocks. It was really clear that it would be this Wednesday, really clear. She's offered new appointments but I don't trust her now so she can fuck off.

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-55071314638286461212007-04-29T10:35:00.000Z2007-04-29T10:46:54.193Z

It's been some time since I last posted. I've had a very crap week. Felt suicidal a number of times. Called the Samaritans this morning and back to "normal". I had to get some shit out of my system and no amount of self talk, prayer, meditiation or distraction was going to sort it.The thing is, now I don't drink and food doesn't do the job as well as it used to, I've got nothing to self medicate

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-65697034784012301002007-04-19T21:59:00.000Z2007-06-03T16:48:41.299Z

My illness wasn't the peanut butter, it was a virus / germ, whatever. A number of people had been off with the same thing.I didn't write about the Julian Clary gig. It was a bit low on production values, but hilariously funny. He was talking about his life, following on from the publication of his autobiography. He was vulnerable, honest, and just an all round delightful guy. I regret that I

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-77335787260240224822007-04-19T21:42:00.000Z2007-04-19T21:59:05.278Z

The evening was going badly. Ducked out of a commitment for reasons too messed up to dwell on. I turned to a chat room and by the time I'd finished, I was feeling so much happier. I'm learning how good it is to talk.Now I'm just chilling out, listening to Bob Dylan, feeling happy or content, never too sure which it is. Mellow.Odd, but being sick for a day seems to be the equivalent of a holiday.

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-24182508614537983722007-04-19T16:31:00.001Z2007-04-19T21:42:43.227Z

If you care, I'm feeling great today. Boring day at work though. Lots of whinging about the air con and air humidity.To business. Ricky Gervais gig last night. Yes I laughed, but I came out not liking him and feeling that he'd been a bit cynical. He was trying too hard to be an edgy comic. He kept queuing jokes up as racist, when they weren't, saying stuff like, "I'd better be careful or I'll be

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-44011914770244842262007-04-18T11:23:00.000Z2007-04-18T11:41:04.165Z

Went to a Bob Dylan concert last night. It was fantastic. Crowd were a bit zombie like, but that's the British for you. I went on my own but it turned out that my friend Val is a fan. I clearly don't know her that well.When I got home from work yesterday, I couldn't be bothered to cook for myself. I started out by having a snack of peanut butter on rye which turned into a meal of peanut butter

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-62096941514791059952007-04-16T20:53:00.000Z2007-04-16T21:04:29.305Z

Reading Penny Parks' book on child abuse has been a wonderful experience. Deeply painful at first but ultimately really liberating. I decided I was going to get professional help. Penny Parks has developed a technique called PICT and on her website I found a couple of therapists working in the Midlands. I got a response from one person who is operating a waiting list and with the other, she

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-91349373822899991092007-04-15T07:56:00.000Z2007-04-15T08:17:03.931Z

It's only April yet the ground is hard and dusty under foot. This picture was taken near the place I work. I like the shadows of the trees across the ground. I did an eight mile walk in Herefordshire yesterday. Bluebells, dog violet, wood anemone, primrose, the last of the daffodils. At times it was just breath taking.

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-9740395798338441412007-04-13T17:01:00.000Z2007-04-13T17:20:57.107Z

I didn't realise it was Friday the 13th today and so far, things have been going great.I got an email advertising tickets for a Bob Dylan concert next week and I thought, "Why not? He's a legend. I'll book it." And so I did. For the rest of the day, I felt pretty chilled which was in part down to it being a Friday, in part because I had my yoga class last night and best of all, the phone system

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-90888621815424891872007-04-10T14:40:00.000Z2007-04-10T14:50:41.360Z

I try to get out to the Malverns as often as I can and head for the village of Colwall which has a train station. As usual on a Bank Holiday, the train timetable had been altered but the information wasn't showing on any website I checked with. It wasn't until I bought my train ticket that I was told I would need to change at Malvern and there would be a wait of over an hour. So I decided to

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-48544105231457027122007-04-09T06:54:00.000Z2007-04-09T07:41:32.830Z

Weston-Super-Mare itself, gosh, what a time warp. I was about 8 or 9 when I went there with my parents. My brother and I got stuck in the quick sand. I got stuck for a while trying to help him. I remember appealing for help from a passer by but the silver haired woman just looked on bemused. My brother brings up the incident every now and then to tease me. He accuses me of leaving him to die!The

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-11415526685327693352007-04-09T06:45:00.000Z2007-04-09T07:36:23.024Z

Having a great Easter so far. Went down to Weston-Super-Mare, visiting Wells and Cheddar Gorge for the day, then after a night in a fairly nice B&B, I spent the day in Bath which was fantastic.The weather has been brilliant.Got chatting with a young woman from Tamil Nadu on the train down to Bristol. She was interested in the book I was reading and I was a bit too honest about why I was reading

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-37885079604463191282007-04-06T18:50:00.000Z2007-04-06T18:58:59.142Z

I've been a bit mental this afternoon. I have a resentment towards my neighbours that comes and goes. It came back big time when I was doing some gardening. Rocks and rubble have appeared in the back garden which I was convinced weren't there before, so I chucked a couple back over the fence. Christ almighty, how childish and considering I haven't ventured out into the garden since the early

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-25235465564978128652007-04-04T18:54:00.000Z2007-04-04T19:01:18.719Z

I'm suffering from brain strain. I've been sorting out a short break over Easter, just down to Somerset. Doing something like this by public transport is a bitch. I've spent hours on the different permutations and now my head hurts and I don't know if I want to go any more!Got up this morning and did some exercise, a bit of yoga and meditated. Felt full of energy but very restless at work. It's

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-58350871755531529682007-04-03T19:01:00.000Z2007-04-03T19:08:38.710Z

Joined an online diet club. God it's complicated.Second day back at the open prison and I'm already looking forward to Easter. Made the mistake of arranging to see my boss. He and I, well, we're cordial. We don't meet regularly, thank the lord, but sometimes I find myself pitying him. I have a project to do and I could have asked another manager the question, but I chose the boss and I regretted

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-6409923319462881072007-03-31T20:10:00.000Z2007-03-31T20:23:42.212Z

Plumber came round this morning saying that to replace the hotwater tank would cost me £500. Sounds extortionate. I'm getting a second quote.Went to see Norbit with a friend. Better than The 300 but a bit low on laughs. Thandie Newton was quite charming in her role, but Norbit was too pitiful to root for. The film was followed by a grill at the Dragon Buffet. Very nice. I was drooling at the

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-74810684829077952132007-03-30T14:40:00.000Z2007-03-30T14:50:30.452Z

Went to see The 300. Didn't stay. So one note. Such a let down. So dreary. After half an hour I thought, "Got better things to do with my life," and off I went.My head feels as clear as a mountain lake. Almost.I discovered that the hot water tank was leaking badly the night before I flew to Geneva. Today the plumber came round. It's gonna cost a couple of hundred quid to replace. As the whole

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-56686118925248885662007-03-29T16:55:00.000Z2007-03-30T11:10:03.999Z

Just back from a short break in Geneva. The weather was brilliant. Warm spring sunshine contrasted by snow on the mountains surround the Lake.I didn't do anything I planned, opting to go with my guts which took me to Montreux and Chateau Chillon (pictured), then up into the mountains by train.I spent this morning in an adorable suburb of Geneva called Carouge where an antique doll caught my eye.

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-9269689219644017582007-03-26T22:01:00.000Z2007-03-26T22:11:59.839Z

The story of the talking painting didn't end yesterday. When I woke this morning, I didn't want to go to work and I was full of resentment and confusion and embarrassment. I managed to muster up the good sense to apologise to this "inner child" regardless of being annoyed by the fact it "exists". Got it. Gotta deal with it.The thing I've not mentioned so far is that I'm in a 12 step recovery

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-24798013335436025262007-03-25T20:01:00.000Z2007-03-25T20:31:47.132Z

I went away for the weekend, spending it with some friends and a really strange thing happened to me. I was sitting alone in a room which was decorated with a series of victorian paintings of women and children. When I sat down I started to consider the painting directly in front of me of a little girl standing in a garden carrying a basket of flowers. I thought it was badly done and her eyes

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-20756542892876006682007-03-23T14:18:00.000Z2007-03-23T14:36:04.309Z

A friend "leant" me her builder to do some repairs on my house on the weekends whilst he worked at hers during the week. The idea was to do a few jobs, but the plans grew on her "advice". She's a professional developer. The builder turned out to be a drunk and a bit crap. He eventually stole from her and did a runner in the middle of the work at my house. The full extent of his crappiness and her

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-65546787731631411422007-03-22T19:32:00.000Z2007-03-22T20:25:12.022Z

I do Iyengar yoga after work on Thursday nights. The pain. But after the 10 minute relaxing bit at the end I'm so chilled: "Yeah man. Whatever." Anyway, there was some left over food following a meeting and I packed up a portion to take home, but I couldn't resist a bite of chicken. In the middle of holding the downward dog pose, the chicken started to make its way back up towards my throat. Nice.

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2189577311704320849.post-8583069390049134532007-03-21T20:32:00.000Z2007-03-21T20:45:12.963Z

Good god, technology is a bloody pain in the arse. I completed a post which was a thinly disguised account of "geek man" (colleague at work), going ape over someone who asked him to move his car. Then I got hit by a wave of paranoia and fear so I set off to change the email address I used to sign in, cos you never know, and hell-fire the frustration that ensued. And here's me, only monkeying

Monkey Brainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06695645736679955167noreply@blogger.com0